


Stay Til The A.M

by robertstanion



Series: PEIPHQ Shenanigans [23]
Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mild Fluff, Oneshot, Songfic, Sorry guys, part 3 of the collective "sign of the times" type fic, recovery fic, so you'll need to read evidence with medicine and sign of the times before this one LOL, that follows on from two other one shots, that is a part of a series, trigger warnings at the start of the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:48:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25506964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robertstanion/pseuds/robertstanion
Summary: John McNamara has another flashback in his sleep, leading to Xander being hospitalised. Does Xander believe when John is telling the truth or not?
Relationships: Xander Lee/John McNamara
Series: PEIPHQ Shenanigans [23]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764349
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	Stay Til The A.M

**Author's Note:**

> yes, that summary is wild, but it's the summary of the fic what do you wANT ME TO SAY. anyway:
> 
> TWs:   
> Stroke  
> PTSD flashbacks  
> PTSD mentions  
> hospitals
> 
> Songs Used In Order:  
> A.M - One Direction  
> Infinity - One Direction  
> Half A Heart - One Direction (i'm sorrRyYYYy bUT I'M ALSO NOT)

It had been a few days since John had gotten diagnosed with PTSD, and John hadn’t left Xander’s side for so long. John excused himself from going on the field for a while, and Xander ensured none of the agents questioned it. That day, unfortunately, had been tough for both of them, and neither had gotten much sleep. They lay awake, both having a day off the next day, before John sighed. “You asleep?”

“Nope,” Xander followed and looked down to his husband.

“Are you staying up all night?”

“It appears that way.”

“So…we’re staying here til the A.M?” John asked, looking up at him, rubbing his eyes.

“We can stay awake until the morning,” Xander smiled softly and kissed his hair, moving John’s hair out of his eyes. He hated to admit it, but he could tell John was purposely avoiding sleep. His eyes were a faded blue, constantly sad and low, and he had dark circles around his eyes. He was paler, and he was starting to wither away. “And we can talk.”

“All of my favourite conversations are made in the A.M.” John followed up the sentence with a soft yawn, not daring to close his eyes. He looked around the room, which glowed blue with the moon’s light. He was tired, but he couldn’t sleep. Every time he shut his eyes, he saw the sickening smile of his former mentor glaring back at him, outstretching the apple. John had never believed in God, but he did know enough about the bible to realise what the apple meant. He felt sick every time he did close his eyes, and it was why he hadn’t slept well since the incident a couple of weeks ago.

“It feels like this could be a night that lasts forever, doesn’t it?” Xander asked, tilting his head slightly.

“Tonight?”

“Tonight.” The reason Xander was awake, actually, was to ensure, if John fell asleep, that he’d be there if his PTSD kicked in again. “Tonight, we’ll break the heavy clouds that fog your mind and let time go, forgetting about it. For one night only,” Xander said and held John closer to him. “You know, World War Three could be going on outside, and I wouldn’t care.”

“Well, sweetheart, you should.”

“I know I should, but I don’t right now. I worked my ass off while you were away to ensure it didn’t happen, as did Howie.” Xander explained, moving John’s hair out of his eyes again. He laughed softly, letting his hands tangle in John’s hair, being careful while he touched him. “You know, me and you were raised in the same part of Hatchetfield, the same shitty part where you weren’t rich, but you were called poor even though you weren’t. And we work in that area too now.” Xander said and looked back down to John. “We’ve gotten our scars by fighting on the same ground, whether that be from school or PEIP. We got them from the ground we were raised on.”

“Mhmm…and we used to kick around after school with each other…then we grew distant until ’07.”

“Until ’07,” Xander repeated. He continued to stroke John’s hair, feeling him relaxing into his touch. He smiled softly as John’s blinking became slower and longer, a sign he was falling asleep, finally.

“Why did you bring up school, anyway?” John grumbled slightly, his eyes opening again.

“Well, I don’t know what I’m sayin right now, honey. It’s early in the morning, and I’m tired. I’m clueless.”

“You should sleep if you’re tired.”

“You should too, but that isn’t happening, so I won’t sleep.” He squeezed John’s shoulders again. “But whatever plans we come up with, we’re gonna make it all happen.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, most definitely.” Xander confirmed and John nodded, yawning again, closing his eyes with it.

“This night feels like forever right now,” John said, his eyes remaining shut. “But I don’t want to sleep because I’m dreaming out loud, well, I can see everything.”

Xander didn’t correct him, knowing he’d only freak out if he realised he was falling asleep. “Mhmm, but we’re both gonna make it through.”

“Yeah…” John yawned again, burrowing into Xander’s shirt. “I love you, and I promise, I’ll always come back home no matter what, you know.”

“You can only try, hon.”

“Nope, I’m gonna get back and your face is gonna be the first one I look for in the crowd of medics.”

“You’re delusional.”

“You love it.” 

“You’re talking out of your ass, you’re exhausted, John.”

“Then…I guess I should try sleeping, shouldn’t I?”

“That’s a good idea.”

“You’ll be here if I-“

“Yes, Jay. I will be.” He kissed John’s forehead. John’s eyes still didn’t open. “Goodnight, my love,” but John didn’t hear it, fast asleep already. Xander sighed and tucked him under the covers, taking another sip of the cold coffee beside him to stay awake. He’d do anything for John, and he wished he saw that more often

* * *

John ended up sleeping the entire night. Xander wasn’t so lucky. Out of pure worry, he found himself unable to sleep in fear John would have another flashback. He didn’t, but how was he supposed to find out until John woke? When it hit 8 in the morning, Xander got out of bed, being careful not to disturb his husband. He started on miniature jobs around the house, like emptying the dishwasher, ensuring that the bottom level of the house was clean, that kind of thing. He wanted the house to be tidier for when John awoke.

Xander was a very down to earth guy, and he knew that. He rarely fought with others, rarely had disastrous conflict, and only wished the best for everyone. This had led to him being unable to say no to tasks offered to him over the years, and it’s why he started cleaning the entire house after doing the miniature jobs. He was running on caffeine and no hours of sleep, and he had to have something to keep him busy.

Still, it was hours later until John even showed signs of waking. Xander had been there, when John started twitching in his sleep, as he started to shake, mumbling to himself. Xander realised what had been happening, and lifted him into a hug as he woke, holding him tightly. Immediately, unsure of where he was, John began to thrash, clearly falling down from his stable state of mind. Xander could hear the fear and sadness in John’s voice as he screamed out for help, but Xander could do nothing except hold him tight and rub his back, assuring him he was okay. He had to let John fall even though he knew it hurt. It was the only way he’d be able to get John out of his flashback.

John eventually gave up on the thrashing, gripping Xander’s shirt, crying softly, and Xander rubbed his back, staying close to him. He could feel John’s heartbeat, which seemed to be going faster than a million miles an hour, and Xander wanted to know how to calm him. John was trying to catch his breath some way, and somehow, he managed to be able to in Xander’s hold. Maybe it _was_ Xander’s down to earth personality that enabled him to be such a good person, or maybe it was due to the fact Xander was a Virgo, whatever _that_ meant, but John seemed calmer than he had five minutes ago. He looked down at his husband, who was curled up in his lap, and the sight he saw was close enough to frightening. He was pale and his eyes were wide. He wasn’t blinking and his body jolted with every breath he took.

“He’s back-“ John choked on his tears, his eyes slowly moving to meet Xander’s. “He’s coming back.”

“He isn’t, he’s dead,” Xander repeated, going to press a kiss to John’s forehead, but he moved out of Xander’s arms before he got his chance. Xander was shocked. He’d never done that before. He wouldn’t admit it, but it did hurt him. He hadn’t expected John to react like that.

“No, Xander, he isn’t! You don’t know how The Black and White works! You can’t tell me what you don’t know!” John began to shout, clutching the doorframe.

Xander went to move, but he found himself shaking slightly, which was unusual. He tried to move again, and he found himself frozen. He looked to John, his own eyes now wide with fear, as his vision blurred. He blinked until it was clear again, and he felt the heaviness hit him. “J-John, what’s going on?” He asked, his voice higher pitched.

“Shit!” John shouted and bolted out of the room.

Xander began to panic then. He didn’t know what was happening, and he wanted answers, but he didn’t know how to get them. Every time he moved his head, he saw three or four of the same thing. He was stuck in motion, but everything around him kept spinning around. He gently touched his forehead and felt a spark of electricity come back, that sent him flying backwards into the headboard of the bed. He gasped for breath, surprised with what had just happened, but due to the injury he’d sustained, he had no way to call to John. His head began to pound, and he felt his tongue began to tie. His eyes suddenly went very large, and he went very stiff, sitting up bolt upright, before folding in on himself. He didn’t know what was going on, and he wanted to know why.

* * *

John ran back in the room with a cold compress and screamed at the sight in front of him. His old mentor was stood, his hand placed on Xander’s neck and back, continuing to bend him forwards. He backed out of the room, tears in his eyes. He didn’t want to confront Wilbur again. He was exhausted, and Wilbur knew it. He couldn’t keep fighting a battle he’d end up losing no matter what.

He’d come so far in the flashback. He’d fought, and he’d fought, and he’d fought. Xander had woken him up, though, and John had continued to fight. He hadn’t realised it was Xander he’d been fighting until it was too late. Because of his foolish actions, he was now one step closer to being two steps away from Xander, and everyone was after him. Everyone _wanted_ him.

His heart snapped in two as the echo of his former mentor echoed around the room, the false noise of footsteps approaching, and John could only press himself to the wall beside the door, keeping his breathing to a minimum, shutting his eyes. He couldn’t cry, he’d give his spot away. When he was sure of the fact that the hologram type figure of his mentor was gone entirely, he walked into the room again, running over to the unconscious body of his husband. He immediately checked Xander’s pulse, realising it was irregular. John’s breath hitched as he tilted Xander’s face up. As he feared, Xander’s face was drooping down slightly on one side, and he folded in on himself further. With a tear falling down John’s cheek, he picked up Xander’s phone, dialling 911 immediately.

Something had happened, and he didn’t know what, but he knew this was much more serious than anything PEIP could treat.

John was by Xander’s side in the ambulance. He sat beside Xander’s side as he watched them work on him. John gave over all the necessary information, pleading with them to make him better. The crew assured him they’d do their best, and John had hope until the word _stroke_ got thrown around.

John chose to ignore it. He ignored it all the way to the private room, where he sat beside Xander, who began to wake up when an oxygen mask was placed on his face. John’s heart broke with the knowledge he could have prevented this, he could have prevented Xander from getting hurt, and he just wanted him to be okay. He took Xander’s hand, tears continuously falling down his face. Instinctively, Xander reached up to wipe them away, almost as if he hadn’t taken into account that _he_ was in the hospital, and John wasn’t.

“Don’t focus on me, Zee. You had a stroke,” John explained.

Xander looked up at John, and lifted his hand up, touching his head, flinching slightly. “But-“

“It was Wilbur. He knew what he was doing. The nurses did a scan, they said you burst a blood vessel in your skull. They said it was unusual to see something of your case.”

“But I felt a spark-“

“That was Wilbur,” John said, watching him. “Honey, you need to understand, no matter how much _you_ want him to be dead, he won’t be…” he had to look away from Xander, putting his head in his hands. “If I’d have fought him harder, you wouldn’t be hurt.”

“Jay…”

“Fuck, I’d rather spend all my nights counting stars in order to mend every fight we’ve ever had, and to strengthen every relationship I have with people who have wronged me rather than watch you in here.” He ignored Xander, wiping his eyes. “But we can’t get what we want, and I’m staying by your side.”

“Jay, I don’t care if I’m in a hospital bed or not, I’m still gonna be here for you…” He seemed to flinch as he looked at John. “What _happened?”_

“Well, it-it doesn’t exactly matter, okay? You just had a stroke and-“

“John, please, all I want is the truth. I wanna know what happened to me. I’m a physicist, I’ll find out eventually. So, it’s either you tell me, or I figure it out myself.”

“Xander, you aren’t going to believe me even if I told you.”

“Try me.” There was a look of determination in Xander’s eyes that John rarely ever saw. John broke eye contact, mumbling the answer to begin with, prompting a slightly frustrated hum from Xander, pushing John to keep speaking.

John only sighed, shutting his eyes more. “It was Cross.”

Xander sighed then, more of a scoff, really, and looked away from his husband. “How many _times_ do I need to tell you, I _killed him!”_

“The Black and White doesn’t work like that, Xander. You know that.” John pleaded with him, looking back to him, frustrated slightly. Xander didn’t look back, facing the other way. “The Black and White keeps souls, it regenerates them!”

“I think you should go home and get some sleep.” Xander said, his voice calm, but it still took John back.

“You know I can’t-“

“Yes, you can! John, you can’t _rely_ on me all the time! I had a fucking stroke, and you’re being selfish!”

“I’m not!” John felt the tears form in his eyes before he could stop them.

“Then why do you keep saying you can’t?! We both know you can, you just choose not to.”

“In case I have a nightmare! You don’t have PTSD; you don’t understand the pain I go through! All the flashbacks I have, they aren’t something I can control!”

“Go home. I’m not fighting here in the hospital,” Xander said and closed his eyes. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Zee-“

“Go home.” Xander repeated. John couldn’t stay there. He was humiliated, or he felt that way. He did what Xander wanted, and left Xander’s hospital ward. It wasn’t fair to stay when Xander didn’t want him there.

He ordered a cab, and payed the price when he pulled up at the top of the street instead of their actual house. By the time he was back inside, it was nearly the darkest point in the night. He hadn’t realised how long Xander had been out for. Exhausted, he found himself collapsing on the bed, climbing underneath the covers.

Despite his attempt, despite his failing attempt to please Xander, he just couldn’t sleep. He stayed awake the entire night lying awake hoping that Xander was okay. It wasn’t the first time it had happened. He’d actually kept count of how many nights he’d stayed awake while Xander was injured, and it was coming up close to 180 by now. Those hours totalled up, and it seemed as if he’d stayed up for infinity.

The morning came, and his eyes were only shining with tears, and any life or excitement that had once buzzed inside of them were gone. There was nothing burning bright in them since Xander left, since Xander started to misunderstand, and there wasn’t enough time to explain to him when Xander wouldn’t listen. They were both fighting, and both trying to understand what was happening to the other, but it was hard when the one in hospital didn’t believe the one who was supposedly hallucinating. It was no longer fair.

John messaged Xander, choosing to give him space, saying he wouldn’t visit in hospital because something cropped up at PEIP, and he wouldn’t have time to see him in the hospital and that he’d see him when he came home. Two weeks passed with hardly any sleep, and the only time he did was when he passed out. He hadn’t had a flashback since the day of Xander’s stroke, and maybe it was Wilbur pitying him, but he’d never find out. John was sleeping when Xander got discharged and didn’t see the texts from Schaffer regarding that day.

* * *

Schaffer picked Xander up from the hospital and locked the doors once they were both in out of instinct. Xander looked tired, but he looked better than he had the first day he’d gone to visit her. She went to speak up to him, but Xander spoke first. “Is John okay? He…he never came to see me. He said he was working…”

“He hasn’t been at work for the past two weeks, and if he has been, he’s passed out in his office and was sent home. He clearly hasn’t slept.”

“But he said something cropped up…”

“Well, it may have, but it doesn’t mean he may have done it. Trust me, he sat down at his desk once, and his head just fell back and-“

“He passed out; I get it.” Xander sighed.

“And on top of that, it wasn’t as if he came in in the uniform.”

“So…what _was_ he wearing?”

“Your sweatshirt, Xander.”

“God dammit….” He sighed, leaning against the window. “So, what even _has_ been happening while I was away?”

Schaffer took a breath, remaining focused as she drove. “Cross returned.”

“So, John was being _serious?”_

“John _knew?!_ ”

“I-I gotta apologise him. I messed up.” He sighed.

The rest of the journey was quiet, and Xander apologised when he was dropped off. He fumbled with his keys, opening the door. The house, like it had been when he’d gotten home before, was deadly silent. He headed upstairs and opened the door, looking into the room. There he was, asleep in Xander’s sweatshirt. He stepped forward and sat on the bed, his hand on John’s shoulder as he shook him gently.

John woke, but it was clear he was confused as he looked around. His eyes softened as they focused on Xander, and he sat bolt upright, Xander holding him steady.

“John I-I’m sorry for not believing you about Cross. Flick, she said that Cross has come back…”

“And-did she say anything else? What else did she say?!” John held Xander’s forearms as he looked around at him, taking in his face.

“That you were sleeping in my sweater, that you couldn’t stop missing me.” 

John sighed and blinked, falling quiet for a moment, before he spoke. “Schaf told me that you weren’t doing much better either. That you missed me too.”

“I did, John, and I’m so sorry for stirring a fight with you. I was missing half of me in the hospital, and I just love you so much.” 

“I love you too,” John said, but his voice was tired. “Are you okay?”

“I am now. I got treated. They kept me in longer than they should have, but they were confused as to why I had a stroke to begin with. They kept checking my files and-“

“Are you _okay?”_

Xander took a breath and sighed. “I’m fine. I just wished you’d have come to see me.”

“I had to get to PEIP,” John tried, but Xander shook his head.

“Dear, you passed out in the office, from what Schaf said, every _single_ time you were there. You didn’t rest.”

“I was worried!”

“Shh…” Xander hugged him gently, pulling him into his lap. “I get it. But you’ve at least gotten a full night’s sleep one day?”

“Tried to.”

“It’s good enough for me,” he said and kissed John’s hair.

“It just felt that…when I did have to wake up without you that there’d only be half a blue sky, and the blue would be in Clivesdale, and the grey would hover over Hatchetfield constantly, well, over the Nantucket Bridge, and our house is right by HQ. We’re nearly there, on the coast, but not quite.”

“I know.”

“And the other day- I was just so tired, Zee, _so_ tired.”

“I know.”

“I just haven’t been myself since our fight, and I constantly thought that it had been my fault even though it hadn’t, it _hadn’t_ been my fault, I was telling the truth but- I-I was half a heart without you. And I still am. I’m half of the man I used to be, seeing as half of my soul is _still_ in The Black and White and- Zee, I just miss everything we did, everything we do. I want to go back to normal.”

“I know,” Xander repeated and stroked John’s hair, holding him close. “We’re forget all we said that night, that day when we fought, okay?”

“No, Xander, we can’t.”

“It doesn’t even matter, alright? I was wrong, and you were right, and I should have believed you instead of going by the logic that I killed him and therefore he must be dead. You got split in two in there, you just told me your soul isn’t entirely with you. So, what can I do?”

“Take time off work.”

“I’m on leave anyway, doctor’s orders.”

“And I wanna take an hour out of our day and go down to the river or the coast or something and just talk. Just let me explain myself to you. I’m being honest, and it doesn’t feel like you believe me.”

“I know, and I will do my best to believe you.”

“So, you’re just going to ignore the facts I’ll tell you?”

“No, no, it’s a misunderstanding.” Xander pulled John out of the hug and cupped his chin, tilting it to look at him. “I was in The Black and White for what? Seconds? Minutes? It wasn’t enough time to get a grasp of your old mentor _or_ the realm itself. _You,_ however, know because, Christ, you nearly _died_ there. You were battered and bruised-“

“I still _am_ battered and bruised.”

“But you’re healing.”

“Physically, not mentally.”

“And I’m guiding you through it.” Xander tucked John’s hair behind his ear and smiled gently. “We’re married, and it means, no matter what, I need to believe you aren’t lying when you tell me what you went through, and if you are willing to speak up about it. I will wait for that day. I can’t say that I’ll believe everything you say, but I will do my best to.”

“Xander Lee-McNamara, I love you more than anyone I’ve ever met before, you’re aware?”

“I believe so,” he said and kissed John’s hair again. “I’ve got a couple of weeks off the field, and then I can go back to work, but I won’t be allowed in the field.”

“Do you need to go back for check-ups?”

“I have one in a month, and then they’ll tell me.”

“Okay…I’m just glad you aren’t severely hurt.”

“Me too, John. Me too.” He sighed. “Now, how about you try and go back to sleep?”

“Will you stay?”

“Of course.” With that reassurance, John moved out of Xander’s lap, lying back down in bed. He closed his eyes and appeared to be drifting off. Once Xander thought John was asleep, he went to leave, but was tugged down to lie beside him. Xander only laughed softly as he wrapped his arms around John’s waist. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” John mumbled, before he finally fell into a peaceful sleep at last.

**Author's Note:**

> jay vibe checks mcnamander part (?) 
> 
> REGULARS COMMENT AS PER USUAL, AND KUDOS ARE APPRECIATED BY EVERYONE THANK YOU AND (it's 14:12 can i still say good night) GOODNIGHT
> 
> also i will only die when i stop writing songfics fuck u
> 
> oh yeah also lmao about xander being a virgo: i have headcanons about all of the black friday character's birthdays, and also those of TGWDLM. xander is born september 19 and John is May 12th, which is Jeff Blim's birthday, but I simply do not give a flying fuck


End file.
